I'm not the only one.

See.

71 of the 837 pictures from Hawaii.

To Everyone It Concerns:

Dear tube top lady:
I don't want to see your nipples, so I have a few tips for next time. 1. wear a bra. 2. the tube top should be in your size. 3. try an opaque fabric.
Thanks!

Dear mullet lady's friends:
Try being a friend next time. Talk her out of the mullet!
Thanks.

Dear clueless customer:
When I say, "I'm sorry, I'm security. I'm trying to catch a shoplifter," You probably shouldn't stand in my way. I think you deserved to be shoved to the left a little.
Thanks.

Dear 9:30 pm bike rider:
Share the road means follow the rules. Bicyclists should wear helmets, have flashers on their bikes at night, and follow all traffic signs. Therefore, you are very lucky I didn't hit you when you ran the stop sign while wearing all black. Natural selection should eliminate you.
Thanks.

Dear bagboy:
Putting all the heavy groceries in one bag is not funny. I will leave bruised vegetables and spilled juice in your bed tonight.
Thanks!

Dear shoplifter:
When you are 16 you are not your legal guardian.
Thanks.

Dear fellow LP staff:
It's not my job to do yours.
Thanks.

My first inventory

I managed to talk my way into running my very first inventory. I helped the local boondock store prepare and execute their process and it rocked. Although, I think it is in part because it's such an easy store to learn on.

I'm surprised at how not in control of everything you are when running something so large. I'm also surprised at how quickly your peers start badmouthing you when you remind them of why they are at the store.

But I'm not surprised at how well the management team adapted to me and my ideas. I'm not surprised at how well the management team led their people. And I'm not surprised that the store still has an overage.

I'm ready to learn some more stuff!

It's amazing how one song can make your day. It makes me feel smiley and scandalous.

Antiques Roadshow

I am always amused when I tune in. I just witnessed a 12 year old boy with his Grandpa's toy. The antique expert was very frustrated when the child used his finger to point out some etching rather than allowing the expert to use the pointer. When the child learned the toy was worth $2000 - $2500, his jaw dropped. He announced that he would play with the toy only on carpet. The expert's jaw dropped.

Hear, hear, child. A toy should be played with.

Pictures

From the block party and a dinner out with the ladies.

A Spot of Bother

I've put a few quotes from the book that I enjoyed.

"He wasn't the most beautiful man she'd ever met. But the most beautiful man she'd ever met had shat on hr from a great height. And when Ray put his arms around her she felt safer than she'd felt for a long time."

"Ian gave him another bear hug which Jamie now realized was a Christian hug, not a real one."

"Obviously there were worse jobs in the world (rat catcher, astronaut....) but Jamie had never realized quite how far down the table parenting came."

As for the book itself, I liked it. It was much darker than the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. But I don't mind darker fiction. I related very much to all of the characters.

Katie and I both have tempers that make people run for cover. Jamie and I are afraid to love. Jean and I embrace our scandal. George and I suffer from crazy. Mark Haddon crafted this novel marvelously, and I recommend it to everyone.

I really love my neighborhood

My week continued

My hairdresser quit her salon. So I went into a crazy panic and found a new stylist. I just got my hair cut this morning and it is good. The first times always a little off. I get home and there's a postcard from my old stylist. She's moved to a new salon. Sigh. Seriously.

I've been fighting with the landlord's homeowner's insurance. Daniel is an unethical, lying sack of monkey poop. Daniel's boss Bill, can also be described as a sack of monkey poop, but the unethical and lying part is yet to be determined. They will be paying for my car.

I really want to exercise, but I can barely walk up stairs without having breathing problems. Stupid pollen.

Today is the block party in the neighborhood. I'll post highlights - there are always a few:)

What I've done with my week

It's been quite a week, actually. Going through it, I didn't feel it. But looking back, I'm thinking I need to go get a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer....

So, Monday. Worked at stupid o'clock to get some monthly paperwork done. Found $16 of my missing $36. If you know where my other $20 is, I'd love to know. Boss came to visit just in time to chase a shoplifter to Wendy's where we dragged her back out. She changed into stolen clothes. However, she was not wearing underwear and it was an unfortunate time of the month to be without undies. Ew. Threw those pants away.

Speaking of times of the month, the humidity here totally jacked with mine. I had the most amazingly horrible pms. And then I was 36 hours late. I hate humidity.

Speaking of humidity, my allergies went through the roof. People were asking me if I was crying or upset all the time. If I took the benadryl, then I was dizzy and stupid.

Then I visited another store out in the boondocks. Usually the good stories from this store are about cows or geese. Not this time. So this raccoon was enjoying a honeybun in front of the store just before opening. And it would not be shooed away. It made itself quite at home while it stumbled around, confused. The local sheriff (from the next town over) arrived just in the nick of time. Sheriff used a large orange cone to startle the raccoon into a grassy area then, "POW!" The raccoon was no longer enjoying the honeybun. The raccoon was toted from the scene in a large shopping bag from the store.

All in all, the inventory I'm running is going remarkably well. They've given me an easy store with awesome associates to help me spend my time learning the process instead of putting out fires. But my feet are tired. I feel like all I've done is walk in circles around the store.

So, about that beer....

Instructions for my new hair straightener

7. Never use while sleeping.

Joslyn arrived and is beautiful.

I played "painfully shy" in a skit this morning at church, and I played marvelously. But allergies are hitting me pretty hard. Since I have to get up at stupid-o'clock tomorrow, I might go to bed early tonight. I was trying to stay up and read a bit of something entertaining. Another night, perhaps.

P.S. If anyone knows why my email timestamps everything two hours behind what time zone I'm in even though I've double checked my time zone option, I'd love to hear it!

Steph is in labor. She has been in labor a long time, and will be for a while longer it seems. Joslyn will hear all about this for the rest of her life, I'm sure;)

I'm supposed to work later and I really don't want to. I went to bed at 10 last night and woke up about 8:30 this morning. I was FREAKING exhausted. Now I want to sit on the porch and read. But I'm should get ready for work.... Whine, whine whine.

Personally, not for me

But I don't think porn stars, producers, directors and cameramen deserve to die for their work.

I kind of feel bad.

Last Saturday I couldn't sleep and watched a rerun of Sex & The City. The basis of this particular episode was that New York women were the "new bachelor". Granted, there was a nice pre-packaged ending where a glowing example of this sort of "bachelor"ette received a broken heart. I pondered this. I have a quite a few single women that I call friends. We all cringe at the thought of commitment or marriage. We all date more than we should and break hearts on the way. I'm proud to say that not a one of us could be called "game players".

Ironically, there is at least one person who probably feels that I am a game player. When I met him, I told him that my life was hectic and I wasn't sure I should give him my number. But I did anyways. And then, he gave me a dissertation on fidelity in long term relationships. I wanted to throw up on his shoes. I don't think he noticed the look on my face or the quick exit from the conversation.

He called. We talked. He wanted a date. I cried for two days at the thought of taking even one hour to get to know this man. I had things to do - namely laundry because I was out of clean underwear. I decided it isn't good to cry before you get to know a man - he'll make you cry too much later. So I called him. I was clear that we wouldn't be dating any time in the near future. The man keeps calling. Seriously, how do you not understand "the thought of going on a date with you makes me cry"?

I think I'm in love with Firefox.

A Review

I've been reading this book (Thanks Robert!) for a while. I'm not quite halfway, and I think he's full of shit. I almost bought into his charisma and charm. And then he started being vague in his debates. The book is pure propaganda. With a subtitle of "Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream", I figured I would get something thoughtful. However, the book feels like a graduate student's first draft of a paper. It is unorganized and rambling.

I will finish the book and give you a second opinion. But as ticked as I get while reading it, it might take a lot longer than usual.

Fabulous day off

So, I started walking around 10 am, and returned home around 12:45 pm. I went to a Farmer's Market, the lakefront, and then took the long way back home. The Farmer's Market was actually a bust. Apparently, strawberries and green onions are all that's in season in Wisconsin at the moment. I am not yet grown up enough to eat strawberries, and don't know what I would use green onions for.

The sunburn isn't too bad... I thought about sunscreen after I'd been gone for an hour. Go me.

And tomorrow is the Beer Run, which I have found out is totally ok to walk. The guy down the street is gonna wear a bumble bee costume and ride his skateboard. I hope I have enough battery juice to get a pic.

Off to bed early - I'm exhausted!

A To-Do List For My Life

1. Visit Milan and bask in the wonder of fashion.

2. Live in northern France and read and write for a minimum of a year.

3. Make love to a man I am passionately in love with during a furious thunderstorm.

4. Roadtrip without a plan.

5. Own a lake so that it will never be developed.

To be continued....

Maybe I'm Too Cynical

I call bullshit. It's just too convenient that she chose talk about the marriage at an evangelical debate. It's even more convenient that she would talk about relying on faith to get through a difficult problem at an evangelical debate. Try again Senator.

Enginerd Forever

I often joke about my former status as an engineer by saying "I got out of the life." Really, nerd-dom and geekiness is a life style choice that everyone must make for themself. My first friends were fractions. Math soothes my mind. Books gave me my taste for adventure. But every now and then, I see something that is beautifully engineered, and I wonder if it would truly be a bad thing to be "back in the life".

This is the roof at Miller Park. The first time I saw it in motion, I stood perfectly still, completely awestruck by everything that it is. I'm better able to hide it, but I still marvel at how it was put together and how it works.

To run or not to run:

That is the question.

Herself the Elf (or How I Learned to Love Coffee)

There was a TV show when I was three called Herself the Elf or something. I was defenitely a fan. The show was nothing more than any other show, which I hope explains how I could be such a fan but not remember much about it. But we had these special collector glasses featuring Herself the Elf. And they were formed like a coffee mug, but with a stem. These I loved. I loved these because I felt grown up when I drank from them.

I have always been a bit of an insomniac. Even as a baby, I wouldn't go to sleep and certainly wouldn't stay asleep. So, when I would get up early, and Daddy would already be up, I would pad softly into the kitchen. Daddy would pour a bit of coffee into a magic cup. Then he would add spoonful of sugar. He would fill the rest of the cup with milk. He would read the paper while the eggs were cooking, and I would sip my 'coffee' like I was 85 and visiting with neighbors.

As I got older, and grew more accustomed to taste, the milk and sugar decreased and the coffee increased. The magical cups went to the back of the cupboard, and I had my own 'grown up' mug on the shelf. But I think the smaller, magical mug will always be my favorite.

Too bad I'm "busy" July 7th!

Under the sea

I remember

And I thank all soldiers who have given their life so I can be a big bratty American.

My thoughts on 05/26/98 - 05/26/07

So I guess it must have been fourteen years ago that I started high school. I didn't particularly mind it until I transferred schools. The new school was full of obnoxious wannabe valley girls that wouldn't stop doing their makeup. I think I cried for months. The guidance counselor informed me that she was positive I would dropping out of school soon and that she was late for tea. I wasn't allowed to join the football team.

But I met Joann and John and Robert and Dave that first year. And then I joined honors classes - we hadn't had those at my other school. I made more friends - friends that liked math and science. I stopped crying.

I joined forensics, debate and theater, thereby changing my residence to the school. I had crushes on seniors. I went to prom with a senior. That senior forgot to call me. I saw Monty Python and the Meaning of Life and finally began to understand dirty jokes. I turned down an invitation to a rave before I knew what it was. I cheated in World Geography. I took Algebra II and Geometry at the same time because I really wanted to take Calculus. My Physics teacher told me not to date the boy that I was dating. I took my debate partner to the prom.

My guidance counselor handed me my diploma at graduation and my family did not hold their applause until the end. I had a steak at Lonestar before moving 8 hours away and finally learning how to live.

Next year is my ten year reunion. I don't think I have any of the tangible successes that one takes to a reunion to brag about how wonderful you've become after high school. But I think I started wonderfully and just learned to enjoy it properly. I don't think I'm gonna go.

9 years

It was one of those crazy days that has been standard of late. And I didn't get a chance to post about how it was 9 years ago today (rather yesterday) that I graduated high school. Hopefully I'll have time to reminisce later today about it. However, I have a date with Antonio. So.... it might be Monday before I get to it.

I think I am the only person on the planet who can purchase a "plug and play" device with instructions that read "plug and play" and not, in fact, be able to plug and play.

A gift I'd like to return

This blasted heartburn has got to go. I will be crying all stinking day. I've tried rolaids and tagamet. Now I'm saying "Eff that! I'll drink my coffee anyway."

Rainforest!

Today's Hawaii Picture

Weekend Movie Review

Dr. Strangelove: How amazing that one hour and thirty minutes are so vehemently devoted to impotence. Brief overview - Crazy general thinks that the Russians are polluting American culture through flouridation of the water. He plots unauthorized revenge. Really, this is just one very bad case of impotency leading to psychosis and then suicide. The movie ended, and I didn't particularly feel resolved. I suppose that's what I get for searching for entertainment among the modern movie era.

Borat: A letdown. Entirely too predictable since I'm very aware of the horrible things that the American people believe and say. I giggled at a few parts, but I don't think they were the parts everyone else must have. I didn't particularly find the nude fight between Borat and Azamat funny - not even when I noticed the censor bar discrepancies between the two gentlmen. And those that were offended - I don't think they could make it through a single day in our culture without their panties getting in a bunch.

Everything runs together

Hawaii was a whirlwind of wonderfully beautiful things that I wanted to shrink down to miniature size and bring home with me. A summary that may not be in chronological order:

After the brief drama of a cancelled flight out of Milwaukee, I did in fact make it to Hawaii. I was lei'd twice with the most wonderful smelling flowers - which was great since I was not so wonderful smelling any more. I was tired.

I woke up at the crack of dawn and busied myself with smelling wonderful once more and drinking coffee. Did we snorkel the first day or the second? Let's say it was the first. Hanauma Bay is a preservation something or another. So you have to watch this video that was directed in the style of 1960's reproductive education videos. Then we donned our rented snorkel gear. I learned that the sharp intake of breath that most people do subconciously will make your snorkel stop allowing air to get to your lungs. Somewhat problematic when you keep seeing pretty fishies that you're afraid of because nature is scary. Scary or not - Hanauma Bay was one of the most gorgeous places I've ever been to in my life. And I learned that I am not too fat to wear a swimsuit. This is for two reasons. One - I'm not fat. Two - people who are fat were wearing little string bikinis. Ew.

I know for a fact that the luau was the first day. I tried every fruity drink available. They're all too sweet. I posed for pictures with tropical birdies. Then I watched amazingly sculpted Polynesian men shake their hips in a very sexy fashion. I also watched the sunset over the water, but did not get to see a green flash. I tried poi in two forms. There was a poi biscuit that was quite tasty. And the other form was like applesauce. It was not so good. And you could buy a souvenir drink that came in a coconut monkey bank. How awesome is that!

Day two gets a little foggy. We might have hiked Diamondhead. Or that was day three. But I know we went on a dinner cruise. They had shrimp appetizers, salad, lobster, beef tenderloin with mashed potatoes and a raspberry-chocolate desert. Lobster is not worth the work, or the eyes staring at you as you decide whether you can stomach cracking it open. Needless to say, Robert played with his lobster and I ate the meat from it. About the time the main beef course was wrapping up, the entertainment started. It was so off, we enjoyed the rest of the cruise from the deck. And we saw an amazing sunset and a pretty lighthouse and a tugboat and a lot of planes. And then I had heartburn. The worst heartburn of my life. No more lobster for Ashlee!

Day three we must have swam with dolphins. Bugs, Buster and Maui. It was at Sea Life Park overlooking some other pretty islands. We got to pet the dolphins, kiss the dolphins, and ride them via their fins and noses. All in all, it was ridiculously fun.

After that, we viewed the blowhole and hiked Diamondhead. Okay, so Diamondhead was day three. I think. That was really friggin awesome. Except the part where Robert is one foot taller than me and I couldn't keep up. But the view rocked.

That might have also been the day that we went the Cheeseburger in Paradise in Waikiki. Waikiki is very crowded, but it has all sorts of great places to shop. Can't wait to be there with lots of money:)

Day four we did a submarine dive and saw more fishies and a sea turtle and my red toes turn brown. The toenail polish turning colors is because of the filtered light in the sea. We were about 115 feet below sea level. Then we went to a lagoon and hung out. I started Barack's latest book and watched yet another sunset over the water. This time a huge rainstorm hit just before the sunset started. So we played in the rain too.

The last day we went on a kayak trip. Aside from learning that Robert and I do not do well in teamwork situations, I got to lounge on a peaceful beach and swim in Shark's Cove and swim in beautiful waters. Then I forgot to apply sunscreen during a bit of the trip. And my legs were SO painful.

A few regrets: The last day we stopped by Pearl Harbor. Next time, we have to get tickets to see the USS Arizona. The museum is powerful, don't get me wrong. Everything is amazingly somber. But I think seeing the Arizona would drive it all home in a more powerful way. Also, I think a little less planning and a little more hanging out with my friend would have been more relaxing and more fun. Lastly, I wanna learn to surf next time! I suppose I could have this time, but then there would have been no kayak trip. And kayaking was totally fun.

So here I am, typing this in my apartment and wondering why the stink it's only 45 degrees here. Stupid Milwaukee. Warm up!

What's that ugly bruise and indentation on my calf? Oh, it's where I WALKED INTO THE FRIGGIN BED THAT'S BEEN IN THE SAME PLACE FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS. Yes, I'm crying it hurts so bad.

What the blazes are we advertising?!

Is the middle picture saying "You'll get some if you join the Navy"?

Picture was taken at the museum just outside of the USS Bowfin at Pearl Harbor.

The part that sucks...

Ten hour first day back.


But I'm tan!

I'm Back!

Fraidy cat!

I am scared of tropical fishies. But they are so pretty. I hope to post pictures when I'm back to Mil-town - but the pictures were with a cheapie underwater camera, so who knows how they'll turn out.

Google's "How To Of The Day"

How to Learn Pole Dancing

I love not-winter!

I forgot to turn off my alarm this morning. So at a very early time, I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. So I got out of bed and showered. Then I had breakfast and coffee on the porch. Then I checked my email on the porch. I filed my nails on the porch. I waved at neighbors from the porch. I ate cake on the porch. And now I'm typing this from my porch. I listend to music on my porch. Also, I got sunburned on my porch!

Not-winter rocks!

I know I'm picky....

But I don't think I'm this picky. I have started branching out and discovering foods that I do enjoy. Cherries are on this list, as are green peppers. My plan for this summer is to try mangoes and papaya. I'll keep you posted on the outcome.

Ziggy Marley opened for Robert Randolph and the Family Band. I saw more rastafarians, wanna-be-rastafarians and baby-rastafarians that you would ever think to find. 90% of them smelled. And the fat chick that needed more than one seat but decided to try to jam herself into the seat next to me had an amazingly boney elbow.

But then, Robert Randolph took the stage. This man.... This band.... Friggin amazing. There were moments where I was incapable of speech or even sound, he was so amazing.

If he visits you, you must see him.

The last 24 hours or so.

I was my store's representative for the Kohl's Shareholders Meeting. One of my friends works on the team that organized this event, and they did a FABULOUS job. I got to stay in the Hilton. Dinner was tasty. The lady who sat next to me at dinner was obnoxious, so when we were dismissed by table, I managed to extract myself from the group and join a different group. I learned poi cho (?) poker - LAME. Had a drink at the pub and met one very creepy man and one very nice man. The nice man was from Minnesota and only in town for three days. We had a fabulous argument before I left the pub. Don't know his name or number. Geeked out in a very crowded situation that did not need to occur. Learned how wonderful my company actually is. Provided security for the ultra top secret visitor (Vera). Received a gift bag of goodies.

I don't think I realized how much Kohl's does for this annual event, but they did it right.

I saw a mouse!

I love rain. Puddlejumping is phenomenal. Driving in the rain, however, sucks. I see eight stoplights for every one there actually is. And Milwaukee refuses to upgrade to reflective paint, so it's difficult to see your lane. After a wonderful dinner with some friends, I traverse the treacherous roadways home safely. I unlock the door, flipp the light on, and climb the three steps to the landing where our landlord's recycling bin lives. I see a shadow in the bin. I figure it must be all the stoplights I saw while driving home. I go to my upper and share my crazy with the roommate and her friend. Her friend decides it's time to leave. I'm in my room as the ladies are in the stairwell. I hear loud cries and go running to the door. I open the door in time to hear, "Don't let it come upstairs!"

Yes, folks, the rain brought our house a new pet. Attempts to shoo the pet out into the rain failed, and the mouse (who as yet needs a name) lives in the basement.

I just saw a dragonfly!

Packing list

I'm going to Hawaii soon. I own one pair of shorts and just bought a swimsuit. What else?

Headlines from cnn.com, 9:45 on 4/25/07:

"Man rapes, impregnates girl, 9, gets 25"
- He only got 25?
"Egypts 'Dr. Ruth:' Muslims need better sex"
- Only Muslims? Then why is every issue of Glamour or Cosmo about how to have better sex?
"Bush boogies, bangs drum for malaria"
- Like a rain dance, but for malaria?

Another day proving that the media dumbs everything down for the sensationalism factor.

My Car, Daisy.

I've always enjoyed the Blue Angels' shows. This is a little unnerving. And reminds me of this that happened a while back here in Mil-Town.

Background about the plane here in town: I was at work when this happened. I remember hearing about it, but not knowing where this was. I remember driving home and seeing a lot of lights a few blocks from my house and no lights on my block. It was only a few moments after I got home that the power came back to our block. So I flipped on the news and found out that the plane crash was about 5 blocks from my house. They think the pilot was drunk.

Will No One Entertain Me?

Where are all the monkeys?

Why aren't they dancing?

So Excited

A while back, one of my work friends lent me a jammin' album. I'd never heard of this funk-tastic man. Having discovered a new radio station, I heard about a show that I am so excited to go see.

Won't you join me? :)

Midnight update

• Tired
• Hungry
• Upset tummy / indigestion
• Minor insomnia
• Great TV show on DVD
• My legs hurt - deep in the calves

Mostly good, I think.

Wanna Play?

Girl attacked by sea lion wanting to play.

Sound familiar?

How to be positive.

I was told this week that I used to have such a positive attitude. I don't know about that. But I thought maybe I'd try to put a positive spin on some things from the last six months:

1. Dad spent about two months in the hospital around Christmas. He was really bad off, but everyone pretended he wasn't. He's now up to his full weight and able to concentrate on other life threatening but controllable illnesses such as heart disease and diabetes.

2. I think I had my heart ripped from my chest and ran over by a Mack truck. At least I fell in love.

3. I am now 18 months past when everyone thought there would be a promotion available for me. I still have a paying job.

4. I have lost 40-50 pounds since graduating college. Mom is finally off my back, but everyone else thinks I'm anorexic. Also, my diet is a lot of cake. This could be a health issue. Overweight + fatty foods does not usually equal losing 40-50 pounds.

5. I had the world's wenchiest doctor. But according to that wench, I won't develop cancer because only women without healthcare develop cancer.

6. The truck was broken into. And now I have a new shiny car.

7. I had bimonthly appointments with my doctor to fix numerous problems and indicate future potential problems. It's fantastic to know that my teeth are the healthiest they have been in years. But due to the treatments are now discolored.

8. I learned a second lesson about nice guys not actually being nice. I can't think of a positive.

9. I found out that one of my long-time friends is really mean to me and enjoys being condescending to me about the way I live my life. However, since I don't have the balls to be mean back, I think she'll always "be there for me".

10. I am not currently in a "spiritually right" place to read a book I've been wanting to read that is going to be featured in a study I wanted to join. I had too many books to read anyway.

11. Mom's company sold her division and she's losing her job. I will become a much better person from the position she has created for herself as "Ashlee's Personal Critic".

Ok. So who thinks I'm less positive than I used to be?

Bill of Rights Issue I Think.

I think that this has been blown out of proportion. I think that much more horrible things have been said about me that were in fact racist and disrespectful. It sucks that people are stupid enough to say stupid things. It sucks more that these people are given radio and tv shows. It sucks even more that people get so upset that stupid people express their freedom of speech. Get over it. Someday you'll say something that is stupid and offensive to someone else.

From a phone conversation with Mom

Me: I keep forgetting to use lotion in the morning now that it's winter again here.
Mom: You only use lotion in the winter?
Note - The warning lights did not go off here. I'm losing my ability to see these statements coming.
Me: Yeah, my skin gets so dry, I can't take it without lotion.
Mom: You should lotion in the summer.
Me: I don't have dry skin in the summer.
Mom: You'll get wrinkles. You should lotion.
Me: I already have old hands...

Karma

Who believes in karma?

Why?

It's official

Daisy is sitting in the driveway, fully alarmed, in her alloy splendor. She drives like a gem. And she didn't even gloat when we left Buttercup in Eau Claire.

Wow. Just wow.

8 days

And I am now the biggest idiot I have ever met.

Boys will be boys and older men are not the answer. A 38 year old will not only behave like a 21 year old, his game will be that much better from a well-experienced stand point.

So, this is the new, improved, single, car-owning woman reminding herself that she will once again go three years before she tries trusting yet another man. Thank you.

Not-so-rational Ashlee

I think most people experience a small amount of nervousness when buying a new car. I am out of sorts. And I don't know what to do about it. It has spread to other areas. I'm taking a weekend roadtrip with a friend. I'm nervous. I haven't talked to the boy in four days. I'm nervous. I'm interviewing a dishonest associate tomorrow. I'm nervous. I don't think it's normal. Who am I kidding, I've never been normal. But I've never been a nervous type either.

The oddest part, in my most humble opinion, is that I have this part of my brain that is completely rational. It understands each of these things that are making me nervous and is trying to tell me that things are actually ok and quite under control. And the crazy part of my brain keeps yelling indignantly back. And then I think I have a mental illness and become nervous.

Sheesh. I wonder if this subsides immediately, or if I have to suffer the first few months of payments?

I was positively fascinated.

Listen to this if you have time.

Bwahahahahahaha!

Thug Matrimony!

Urban Erotica?!

My car

T-four days.

I'm scared.

It's actually happening.

Anyone have final words for Buttercup?

Hm...

I have two.

1. So the other day, I'm in the express lane at the grocery store. The man in front of me is cradling his items instead of placing them on the conveyor belt. As his turn draws near, he makes a production of putting down the dividers to create a partition both with the lady in front of him and with me (I haven't put anything down yet). Then he puts down the jug of frontega wine and the duraflame log. Nice. I bet he went home, donned a leopard print bikini and sprawled out on his faux bear skin rug in anticipation of his lady returning home from her long day at the office. Next time, be proud!


2. This morning, I met a friend for brunch. I was wearing this fabulous t-shirt. There were two men on the other side of the joint that I noticed noticing the shirt. Just as we were being paged for our table, one of the men asked me if I would tell him where I obtained the shirt because his girlfriend needed it. I obliged him, then he told me his friend wanted to trade his grey t-shirt for my fabulous shirt. Um, not a fair trade. My question is, WTF? Why ask me about my shirt for your girlfriend? Why would your friend not have the balls to talk to me himself? Did you know that I had not yet had enough coffee?

Jeesh!

Spelling, etc.

Nine times out of ten, I am a phenomenal(and yes I just edited this cuz I spelled it wrong. Go me) speller. Words like maroon give me trouble. I want to double the wrong letters. But many other "difficult" words are fairly simple to deduce. I would, however, like to apologize for the word that I am not sure I will spell correctly in the next little story. Not a story. More like life event? No, not that big. Meh. Whatever.

As many of you know, I am considered a "high potential lp supervisor". Besides jumping really high when asked, I'm not always certain what this means for me. Today, I helped at an inventory at another store. While we were most definitely over-staffed from the LP side of things, I caught my DLPM and started asking questions.

Note: I am a master fenagler.

So, I ask him what running an inventory from a DLPM perspective entails. And he wanted me to clarify. So I told him that I understood his role in a prep sense, but I wasn't sure I knew everything he did on the actual day of inventory. So we talked. And talked. And I said, "So, why couldn't someone like me run one?" There was a pause. So I added, "You know, like there's June or even September if you'd rather I wreck my own store on my first attempt." And he said, "You can take a June store." Then up walks another DLPM. And my DLPM says, "Ashlee is gonna run the Sussex inventory this June."

I am proud of myself. I think I can do it. I think it will make me all the more promotable. And I don't think there is another LPS in the company that will have this experience prior to being an LPM.

I'm also scared as hell. Not my store. Not my review. But my inventory? Ack!




And for all those keeping track of the girl with ADD when dating - the well-muscled man is still around:)

Oh, please!

Trump's thoughts on the presidential race. Warning: it's a long video.

"I know everyone and respect them. Anyone can do a good job. I could do a better job. I'm not going to run."

To continue whining...

I joined an online book club. I figured it would be good for me to read a book and discuss it, since I'm always reading and craving a post-discussion. I'm about 50 pages from the end of The Tortilla Curtain. I hop onto the message board to see if maybe I can chat about how Delaney didn't realize how incredibly prejudiced he was until it was inconvenient to be open minded. Every discussion on this board is horribly targeted to "Those dirty Mexicans" and "I hate everyone illegal." Um, so you read a book that makes you cry because people felt that way, and you still feel that way?

I hate ignorance.

No reason

I feel so whiny today. And I don't know why. It's a beautiful day. I have done wonderful things already with my day. There are wonderful things on the docket for the rest of the day. Books to be read. Bible study homework to complete. Friends bearing tiramisu for me. Just flat out enjoying a day off! And I want to whine. Whine, whine whine.

Oops

So, I have this savings thingy. And it was a 6 months dealie. And then this bank bought the bank where the thingy was. And it became a 6 years dealie. And they have my parent's address listed as mine because the thingy was bought for me when I was a minor. So, that was my down payment. And the deal with the 6 years dealie is that I can't withdraw with or without penalty. So, if that thingy is going to be my down payment, I can't buy a car until 2011. So, on the beautiful day, I was talking to mom and mentioned this problem I've stumbled on. A day or so later, mom offered to give me a gift to help with my problem. I'm grateful, of course. And then, today, dad calls. He just spoke with mom and found out about the situation. They talked a bit, and she's gonna send me a check for the amount mom told me. So, I say, "I know." And dad says, "how do you know?" And I say, "cuz she told me yesterday." And dad says, "you talked to my mom yesterday?" And I say, "DOH!" And dad makes the connection. And dad didn't know about mom's thing.

So, do I have a big mouth? Or, is my dad just a master sleuth?

THE MILAN IS WINNING! THE MILAN IS WINNING!

I'd like to thank my mom for telling me to look at it. Brian from Uptown Motors for not replying to my email. Greg from Boucher for not knowing what's about to hit him in negotiating.

It's soon - I can smell it!

Magic Happy Wonder Day!

I hope you enjoyed my beautiful day. Because the prettiness of the day was for me. But I would let you marvel at it too.

Test drive #2 on the Milan and the Jetta tomorrow ish. I might sign & drive, we'll see!

Magic Happy Wonder Day!

I have been eating so healthy lately. And then it went down the tubes. I enjoyed a cheesy bacon angus burger with fries from BK on Friday. Then I had the best grilled cheese ever Friday night. And cheese fries Saturday. And yummy quiche today.

And now I'm so sick.

Wonder why?

honda, mazda, prius, yaris

Milan, scion, sentra, vw

An Ode To Cuddling

I was going to write horrible poetry to let everyone know how much I like having a well-muscled man holding me. But if bad poetry isn't going to get my point across, how about some more direct prose. Followed by a top ten list of his wonderfulness*.

I LIKE BEING ENTANGLED WITH A WELL-MUSCLED MAN.

*Top ten list was vetoed last minute because it could be first date infatuation. Update to follow.

Speaking of scandalous

Going on a another first date tonight. Yep, that's me writing the playa handbook for the rest of ya'll.

Good date

All around good guy from a small town. Goes to church. Raised on a chicken farm. Chicken farm.

He's going to call. I'll wear something scandalous.

So, summary of car show events:
-I LOVE THE MILAN! The people at the Milan booth were so nice and didn't think I was weird and even the guy flirted a little (teeny little, but still).
-The Jetta is also nice. The salesguy was a tool.
-Mazda is out of the question - I wasn't cute enough in it.
-If I could give an award for helpfulness, the Honda girl would get it.
-Toyota sucks arse. I almost gave myself a bloody nose getting into both the Yaris and the Prius. Sadly, the environment is not worth my good looks.
-Oh, the Scion tC! Wow.
-And the Nissan Sentra seems to require a test drive as well. Although the divas scoffed and my requiring a picture of myself in the vehicle.
-And as far out of my price range as can be, I drooled all over the new mustang. But they wouldn't let me get picture taken in it.

Overall, I will be test driving the Milan, the Sentra, the Jetta and the tC.

I don't know how to get the pics off of the roommate's camera, so patience all.

Quick anecdote: I stopped by my bank this morning. While taking care of usual business, I asked about the bank's car loans. The fellow asked what vehicles I was interested in and I replied that I wasn't sure. I further explained that it would all be based on how cute I was in the car. The fellow said "I bet you'll have to buy a fleet of cars after that!" AW. He made me feel good about me:)

Local Fox News strikes again

After making fun of a new show, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, the whole lot of them were stumped by the question "How many sides on a trapezoid?" One drew it properly, but wouldn't show her paper. Another talked about how hard long division is (?). And the last looked it up in the dictionary. Nice.

Side note - This show looks awesome. My favorite clip so far is this pudgy fifth grader covering his mouth trying not to laugh at the adult who can't think of the answer to a stumper of a question.

i, um, have a date

coffee. thursday. construction worker from the eastside.

so the thursday post will feature pics of ashlee in potential cars (so everyone can judge cute factor) and a possible date summary.

yeah. so. there.

More on the topic of cars

Let the opinions abound -

• Toyota Yaris - the sedan
  
• Toyota Prius
• Mercury Milan
• Honda Civic
• Mazda 3
• Buick LaCrosse

I know my thoughts. I've read Consumer Reports. I'm looking for debate. Ready, set, go!

Bouncy thoughts from a crazy day

Are we back in grade school? "You shouldn't be friends with him because he has an opinion I don't like." Come on Hillary, you've got tougher skin than that! If you don't, what are you gonna do when your true enemies state their opinions. Sigh. Although I would be remiss if I didn't mention that more than a few of my conversations at work today felt like I was in kindergarten again.


Oh, SNAP. I've heard too much of this sort of thing. And I truly feel for victims of molestation, particularly when any church is involved. An extraordinary violation of trust of the victim. And a misrepresentation of God. It is tough to think of something more heinous.


And, completely off topic, and only for those who did not receive my email, this gem. Maybe the Spam Mail Title was selling this product?

McCain makes me angry.

"Overturn Roe v. Wade"?! Is he serious? Does he realize the health implications this would have in a society that already eff's up the health industry? It's been long enough that people should accept Roe v. Wade and focus on other issues. Stem cell research, gay marriage, Iraq.... for starters. I'd also like to see some candidates play nice but be American on the international front. This is what matters to me.

Spam Mail Title

"Gary the retard went again and was dealt a 4."

What on earth do you suppose they are selling?

The shallow end...

I am shallow. Really, extraordinarily, completely shallow.

You see, I'm looking to buy a new car. Because Buttercup is lacking a few things like heat, good gas mileage and not an oil leak. So anything economical seems to peak my interest. And I've picked out my dream car, my want car and my can afford it car. So, it's time to go see if I like them as much in person as I do on the internet.

So far, so good.

While thinking through the things I might need to bring with me to such an event, I think perhaps a camera. Why you ask? Because I want to make sure I look cute in my potential new ride.

So, if I'm addicted to the internet, should my employer provide me with more than intranet? I mean, if I were addicted to alcohol, they wouldn't provide me with a bottle of vodka. And if I denied my addiction despite my use while on the job, or refused to get help if I had admitted it, I would be out of a job. Seriously.

Gosh, I hope I have friends that will keep me from this fate later in life.

On a more personal note, I experienced my first massage yesterday. Heavenly! I know why people want to be rich; it's for the spa treatments. If I could afford a weekly massage, a biweekly mani/pedi and a quarterly facial, and the new car that I desperately need, life would rock!

"I'm only going the speed limit because I'm so full"

An unofficial review of a new restaurant: Cafe Hollander.

Curious as to the quality of the new establishment replacing Gil's, the roommate and I gave this new hot spot a whirl. We had heard of the fries. We dreamed of the deserts. We hoped for the beers. We were not disappointed.

Unfamiliar with the full menu selection prior to our arrival, we decided to each have a basket of fries, a beer and a desert. Entrees to be considered only if desert selection was void or lacking.

We waited a mere half an hour for a table. During this time, we found out that my shoes were fabulous, the restaurant was a "coffee shop" in the mornings, and that aside from the selections on the wall, Cafe Hollander served Alterra coffee.

Sticking to the plan, I chose curry ketchup, blue cheese, and mustard mayonnaise while the roommate chose mango chutney mayonnaise, horseradish mayonnaise and roasted garlic aioli to compliment our fries. Fabulous! Fabulous, I say! A warm up bowl of white cheddar ale soup led to a party in the roommate's mouth to which no one was invited.

And desert. Oh, desert. Chocolate cake with raspberries and blueberries. Ice cream sandwich made with pecan waffles.

Go on. Try it!

"Ve Vant Ze Mo-nee, Lebowski!"

The Catapult commercial. Reminds me of the nihilists in The Big Lebowski that were once a part of Autobahn. I've always thought Autobahn was built on Bauhaus.

National Holiday

I think Valentine's should be a national holiday. I think people should not have to work or run errands. This way, if you are happily in love, you can be happily in love not in my sight. And if you are generally happy single, you don't have be angry at all the canoodling. And it should also be made a rule that the news is not allowed to make Valentine's Day a story. It isn't. It happens every year. With the same basic plot and routine.

Just a recap for everyone: I have been in a relationship exactly once on Valentine's Day. He was mad at me so I got nothing - not even a hello. One of Ashlee's biggest pet peeves is watching people canoodle or listening to people talk about canoodling. These things add up to "no fun for Ashlee on VD".

The worst part: I can't even stay home and mourn for whatever crazy thing I want to mourn. Bah.

everyone loves the dentist

Especially when the dentist has to sharpen her tools midway through your cleaning...

Warning: Insomnia philosophy ahead!

Since I was born, I've been aging. Fact of life. I'm ok with that fact. I'm not scared of being old, or dying. This happens. I'm scared of living a life without meaning. I was thinking about the crisis I had on my last birthday. I sat catatonically at my then boyfriend's house, bug-eyed, almost crying. I couldn't explain it without sounding positively clinical. But I was focused on my to-do list from 1998. I was going to graduate in 2003 from the MS/BS program. Then move on to the MD/PhD program at whatever ABET accredited institution would fund me. Then I would save babies from something impressive. And in 80 years, when I died senile and happy, people would talk about how great I was for saving babies.

Instead, I'm saving clothes from the streets of America for a big corporate retail chain. Five years ago, there's no way I would have thought that this life could have meaning. But it has just as much meaning as getting paid five times as much money to come up with a new gadget that has to be tested on animals before it can be tested on the "so sick their risk of dying from this implant is negligible" population. Perhaps more, since my chances of killing something are much lower.

Why is giving to charities considered "worthy"? Why do we feel a need to volunteer? What is it that makes listening to someone in pain more meaningful than solving some financial problem? It's just one person. Who probably works for or relies on some other corporate fish. And so I must be perpetuating this passive and dangerous idea anonymity in America. Or something.

So, my new wrinkle just under each of my eyes asks if my life really means anything? It also wonders when the Valentine's Day ads will go the eff away. I'm not in the mood.

Rock Star Obama

I just listened to this broadcast on NPR. I have my own take on this issue. Milwaukee is amazingly liberal. Amazingly. And it has an amazing racial segregation problem (for a variety of reasons that are mostly stupid). In all the people I know in Milwaukee, and all the places I've been of late, I have to say that Obama has a chance. The hateful white community in Milwaukee hasn't spoken against Obama. The black community hasn't yet made any sort of comments about Obama's light-skinnedness (which is apparently a true test of blackness among certain pockets of the black community). This is a testament to Obama's charisma.

We might elect the first black president and never truly know his opinion on any matter, simply because we should all just get along. And insofar as Milwaukee is concerned, that might be what we need.

News Ashlee thinks is important

Excellent article.

This is news?

I can't get enough of this story....

edit: Had a heart to heart with the boss today. I'm not going to Waukesha, and it won't affect my promotability.

Top Ten Reasons I Love Being Me!

Most people probably think that I am very conceited. I'm not. I just put on a really good show in public. So from time to time, I remind myself why I love me. I will only list 10 of the reasons for now, because I'm sure in 6 months time I'll do this again. I wouldn't want to bore anyone reading this by being redundant! (Warning : 3, 7 & 8 WILL show up on every list I make. Just sayin'.)

1. I think I am one of the smartest people on the planet.
2. I love to read. In my life, I have not finished exactly one book. Shopaholic Takes Manhattan was thrown away after only 50 pages of mindless uck-dom. I do not agree with censorship, but I equally disagree with the publishing of horrible fiction.
3. Shoes, shoes, shoes. I want everyone to know that I recently purchased a fabulous pair of shoes and it has been way to stinking cold here to wear them. Come on, God! Make it warm enough to wear fun shoes again!
4. Being a woman means I can be crazy-like and people just shrug their shoulders because "Women!"
5. It also means that I can cry and laugh at the exact same time.
6. Which is a great example of my fan-tastic multi-tasking skills. I have MAD skills in the multi-tasking department.
7. Cake.
8. Coffee.
9. My hair is phenomenal. Not just in color - that's all God-given. But I could roll out of bed with bed-head and get compliments on my "indy-rocker" 'do. Seriously.
10. Which is a great lead-in to how beautiful I am. I'm not perfect, and I'm so thankful I'm not. But I think that I wouldn't want to look any other way.

Booty Cold.

It is currently -1 here in Milwaukee. Why do i live here? WHY?! And we're not even rock bottom yet.

Yesterday, when it was -4 and I was driving to a friend's house with no heat in my truck, I saw two fellows standing on opposite corners holding "BLOWOUT SALE! AT JEWEL!" signs. Come on Jewel. Have compassion and let the men not get frostbite next time. Jerks.

Sly, but nice

Part of my job is to investigate and resolve dishonesty among employees at my company. (Read interview a thief that works for my company.) In the course of a resolution about a month ago, one associate wrote "Ashlee is very sly - she gets you to admit what you don't want to." And thus I became "Sly Ashlee".

So today, I was resolving another issue. Again I found humor in the associate's statement. "They were very nice and help me see that I was wrong." I wonder if she still thinks I'm helpful?





Prolly not.