um, i was behind a car today whose driver's side wheels were tipped inward at about a 30 degree angle.....

my Halloween

So, I wake up, remember it's October 31st, and wish my mom a happy birthday. Then I go to the coffee shop to review my notes for the training today. After I ordered my coffee, I waited for my cup to be filled and I suddenly noticed that the baristas are dressed as mustard and ketchup bottles. I ask, "Why are you guys dressed up today?" The response, "Um....Halloween..." Right. I'm stupid.

help

I want to organize a volunteer opportunity for my youth group. They want to help at a soup kitchen, so I need help finding a soup kitchen to volunteer at. Suggestions?

Exhausting movie

I saw Schindler's List for the first time last night. Amazing film. Absolutely amazing.

When I was 15, my father borrowed the movie from my uncle. My dad was so excited to watch the movie with me. It was a particularly busy week for me. So when my busy week was over, dad had watched the movie and returned it to my uncle. "I didn't realize you wanted to see it too," he said....

Ten years later, I can finally say I've seen it. Ever noticed how the really good movies exhaust you.

Unanswered Prayers

Vera Wang was at a local store, inspecting the merchandise for a future launch of a private label brand a la Isaac Mizrahi. No one was sure of the publicity surrounding the event, so I was asked to swing by and help with physical security for the event. We were pretty sure that Vera and her cohorts were making fun of our product as much as they were inspecting it (It's ok - I do too!)

Anyhow, being the fashion icon she is, I dressed impeccably and smelled incredible. And I never got to leave the office. I never met her. I never got to tell her my anecdote. The one where I explain that she inspired my rampant materialism with wonderful housewares and ends with the declaration of "I ... LOVE ... ... ... STUFF!!!!!"

Perhaps its better this way. Do I really want Vera Wang to know that I love stuff? However, inspired by her outfit, I am now in search of the perfect black all-season mini skirt. Any suggestions?

...And now pathetic

I can now say my longest relationship ever is four and a half months. Four and a half. How pathetic is that? If every relationship I have only lasts 2 weeks longer than the previous, then it looks like my estimation that I will never get married is correct....

ridiculous

In "News of the Ridiculous", Sweetest Day is stupid. And I have no ice cream or cake for the event which required ice cream or cake.

i should have lunch with Yvonne more often...

open mouth, insert foot

I caught a shoplifter today. Not that the event is unusual. But the shoplifter was a runner, and as it turns out, a cross dresser. In all the hub-bub, the officer that took the report, never heard the first part of the story where the shoplifter put three pairs of panties into the bra he was wearing. Fastforward about an hour to the police station.

Me: Thanks for getting this info for me.
Officer: Sorry you had to wait.
Me: No problem. Did you get my panties for me?
Officer: *stunned silence*
Me: The shoplifter put three pairs of panties in his bra....
Officer: ....I did not know that.

Just imagine what thoughts he must have had in those three seconds after I asked for my panties.

my middle name is Relaxation

Oh yes. I'm changing my middle name to Relaxation. Today, I had my first facial experience at Azana Salon and Spa. It was so wonderful. Just wonderful. I almost fell asleep while I was having the foot massage.

Kari, thank you for a wonderful birthday gift.

and I'm the unprofessional one

fellow at work: you didn't do the rest of your audits.
me: excuse me?
f-a-w: your audits. you left them. do them.
m: um, i'm not sure i know what my audits are exactly?
f-a-w: you started this case, but you left two audits from it.
m: oh, um, perhaps they had not yet printed. it was the first audit done in this section, and we were missing several at that time....
f-a-w: don't be defensive, just do your work.
m (thoughts): right defensive, explanatory, same thing i guess.
f-a-w (to not me) : can you believe the way she's acting about this?

yeah, i was a little angry.

Cash & Carry

I'm constantly reminded by the boy that one should carry cash. All the time. That its normal to carry cash and not rely on the bankcard. Psha! I say. Everywhere takes my bankcard.

Today I took my friend from Kansas all over very pretty Wisconsin places. I wanted to buy a book for fifty cents. I had a penny and a bankcard. They wouldn't take the bankcard for just fifty cents. We went to Holy Hill. We wanted to climb the tower to the scenic overlook - fifty cents. Still only had a penny and a bankcard. The donation box wouldn't accept the bankcard. The boy wanted cider. There was a stand. Six dollars for a gallon. A roadside stand definitely does not have a way to accept bankcard as payment.

Will I learn my lesson? Probably not. I'll just drive 12 miles out of my way to an ATM next time too!

Bicycle Man

What school has three groups of kids go for a bike ride at 2 in the afternoon? Seriously, teach the kids to share the road by showing them how to share the road. If you're in the middle of the road riding your bicycle, when there is perfectly good not the middle of the road for bicycles, that's not sharing.

the dreaded dentist

I've never been a dentist dreader. But. This last time.... ugh. It was the first time I'd been since I've moved to Milwaukee. I'm not afraid of the dentist - I just didn't have a referral from anyone of a good dentist. Folks, I'm not saying I went to a bad dentist. I'm saying I went to a painful dentist. I've never had so many pointing things stuck in my gums, so many xrays create small cuts in my mouth, so many "occlusions to do". I don't have snaggly or truly gross teeth. Just the worlds smallest mouth. Any break from dentistry immediately fosters the creation of wonderful "occlusions to do".

I don't wanna go back. It's gonna hurt a lot.

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

The sun is shining. The ground is dry. The wind is quiet. I pull up to a stop sign behind a maroon Subaru Legacy. I suppose I now have a wonderful reason for my hatred of these vehicles. The wagon thing is a full car's length behind the stop line. I'm pondering the horn honk to inspire the white haired driver to pull up to the line to at least have a view of the on-coming traffic. I noticed that the windshield wipers are on. Not just on to wipe away the cleaner from the car, but typhoon rain style on.

Windshield wipers must be the new blinking turn signal.

Shocker.

So the French finally report that bin Ladin isn't dead. Who's shocked?

BAH!

The first day back from vacation.... Who doesn't look forward to floods of emails, mounds of paperwork, and numerous impatient phone calls. And all of it is so urgent that it should be given immediate attention before some catastrophic result actually occurs. And yet, I attended a training class. Given by the Crisis Prevention Institute.

When I was volunteered by my boss' boss to attend, I figured it had to be both relevant and interesting. Unfortunately, it was a "foundation" class. If anyone has ever been placed into Bio 001 at the University level, you have an idea of the lobotomy inducing monotony of such a training class. We learned that people become anxious and defensive before becoming violent. And its best to keep them from becoming violent. Um, really? I try to pick fights with the armed shoplifters I apprehend on a daily basis. I guess I've been doing it wrong for the past three years. Crap.

And you know the worst part? The flood of emails, mound of paperwork and numerous impatient phone calls are still waiting one more day for my return.

Thank you

Thanks, Mom. I love the purse and the jeans and the perfume.

Thanks, Steph. The tiara and GG season 4.

Thanks, Kari. I'm very excited about Girl's Day Out.

Thanks, Nana. I can't wait to buy the ring.

Thanks, Mel. I love prolonging my birthday month.

Thanks, Me. I think a dragonfly is perfect.

Know what makes getting up at 3:30 in the morning to take Inventory a-ok? Getting a "Happy Birthday Month" cake from your boss.